Many have, through time immemorial, wished to be able to translate the seemingly verbal calls of the nonhuman beasts that populate earth and share our land and resources. The payoff is seemingly infinite, that is, until you start translating.
That is right! I have uncoded all those hidden meanings! Now this may be less exciting than one might hope, so I recommend that last post by RG for explanation. Anyway, the following brief exclamations encompass roughly 99% of the animal communications that I have meticulously translated:
1.) Fuck you! 2.) Fuck you, asshole! 3.) Get the fuck out of here! 4.) Get the fuck out of here, this is my shit! I will murder you! 5.) I am not what you think I am! (alternatively: I am not here!) BE CONFUSED SO THAT I CAN MURDER YOU! 6.) I will murder you anyway! 7.) You should fuck me. 8.) I want to fuck you! 8.1a) I am going to fuck you! 9.) That motherfucker looks tasty. 9.132a) You guys go left, I'll go right. Lets murder and eat that motherfucker! 10:) OH HOLY SHIT MOTHER FUCKER GOD DAMN COCK ASS HOLY SHIT I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE HOLY SHIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS TRYING TO EAT ME GODAMMIT GUYS LETS ALL GET THE GODDAMN HELL OUT OF THIS FUCKING PLACE HOLY SHIT WE ARE ALL FUCKED! FUCK!
Yup, that's it. 10 things. That is all they say. Ever. Pretty vulger, isn't it. Animals are not so cute.
Why should you beleive me? Because I am the authority, dammit. And I have a blog. It is my pulpit. Listen!
And even if they could, you would not be able to understand them. While in class, I showed a friend a picture recently of puppies, and one was biting the nose of the other. She goes "oh they are playing!"
False. One was exhibiting alpha dominant behavior, exerting force over the other and training him into submission via a nosebite.
"NO! They are playing!"
Right.
I then showed her a picture of a panda, and she says, "oh I'd love a panda as a pet."
"Actually, pandas are highly temperamental and very aggressive animals." To prove my point, I sent her this video:
Her response: "Na uh pandas aren't mean! He just wanted the jacket because he was cold. If he could talk he would have said so!"
Well... also wrong. Not to impugn my friend, who is very intelligent, she just does not really like the 'dark' side of nature. My whole argument about the ridiculousness of imposition of human 'morality' on nature is neither here nor there, however. Just suffice it to say that the best argument against natural morality is nature itself, and to divide certain animal behaviors into 'good' and others into 'bad' is just ludicrous. It's called 'reality.' Learn to live in it. Anyway.
The ability to speak is not just some 'on/off' switch that has been flipped in humans. It is the result of a whole plethora of senses, in addition to education and acculturation, including, but not limited to, the way our other sensory organs work, our chemical and emotional motivations as individuals and as homo sapiens per se, etc. In other words, if the panda could 'talk,' it wouldn't be a panda. It would be a human in a panda suit. My point is that 'talking' is a central, not a coincidental, part of being human. Here is a good way of putting it: if a bat spoke, it would not in any way possible be able to describe to you what it is like to have sonar, no more than a bee would be able to describe what it is like to see in ultraviolet. Similarly, if the panda were able to speak, it would not have anything to say about "I am cold." Pandas have built in jackets. It would probably say something like "Hey dude, I am going to fuck you up because you smell funny." Did you know that for a cat to look you directly in the eye is a sign of aggression? Animal behavior and motivations do not translate to human ones.
Anyway, the funny thing about all of this. Imagine I were a magician. Turning someone into an elephant seems like a pretty funny thing to do. However, being the smart magician I am, I would turn my foe into an elephant while he was sitting on his living room couch. "Harhar," you say, "I get it! He will crush his couch!" Yes, he will, but that is not the good part. See, my favorite sense is 'proprioception,' the sense that allows you to control your body parts and balance in terms of motion and self reference, in other words, the sense that allows you to make heads and tails of navigating through physical space using your body. This sense requires a good deal of practice at. Think about how often children fall down, or how long it takes to learn a new sports move.
The funny thing about turning someone into an elephant in their own living room is that, in the process of simply learning how to hold still, they will surely destroy their entire house. Now that, to me, is pure comedy.
I enjoy online video. I think we all do. It combines technology + awesomeness + no commercials + on demand. Pretty much no complaints there.
Well, unless you are a content producer and your content is being systematically stolen. That kinda sucks for you. So let's briefly go over what is going on here.
Companies like surfthechannel, alluc and watch-movies all operate illegally. Utterly illegally. Yes yes, they may have disclaimers saying that "what we do is not illegal, all we do is link to other sites that themselves post content." That works as well as going into a bank holding a sign saying "just kidding" as you rob the place. It is a load of horseshit. Specifically, there is a copyright doctrine called "secondary liability." If I am providing a service that allows people to infringe copyrights, my customers actually infringing copyrights, I am aware of this infringement or should have known (i.e. willfully blind or godawfully stupid), and I profit from providing this service, I am guilty of secondary infringement. All of these sites qualify. However, there are two important things to note about these sites.
The first is that they are free. Yes, they are illegal, but they are free, so they only piss me off so much. Second, they all operate (I believe) in countries which do not, in fact, consider their actions illegal, and are genuinely beyond the reach of American law. Thus is the dilemma of modern copyright. So, all in all, these sites present a conundrum, and though I think it is a serious problem that artists are not getting money for the content they produce, I think the creators of these sites are motivated by a genuine belief that this sort of service should not be qualified as infringement, and that all 'ideas' should be free. Fair enough. I think that is disastrously short-sighted, but then again, that is just me. At least I cannot say that they are honest to god dicks just trying to make a quick buck and screw the other guy. Maybe some level of dickedness applies, but it is not a consummate level.
Then there is hulu and joost. I dig these guys. Yes, there are ads, but I am willing to watch these very brief ads knowing that this otherwise free service is providing entirely legal content. Good work. Keep it up. Expand your catalogs. I'll keep watching. In fact, I really admonish anyone to use hulu or joost over any of the illegal services, if they can in fact find the content they are looking for on those services. They are our best hope. iTunes store ain't bad either, but it is pay to play.
Then there is the king dick. A true 'fuck you' to the internet. That's right. Megavideo. Now, at this point you should understand that I am willing to sit through some bullshit if it guarantees I am not committing a crime, and I do not bear a particular (-ly high level) of ill-will to the makers of watch-movies, because I do not believe their motivations are truly criminal. Megavideo, a Hong Kong based website, whose business model is predicated on paying people to upload links to illegally posted videos, intentional delays in response to takedown notices, and strong ties with internet advertising, on the other hand, can go fuck itself. Megavideo operates, to the best of my knowledge, totally illegally, and, not only do they cram their site full of ads, they actually want to charge me for their illegal service. Further, they way they get to you is to lure you in by letting their high quality stream start, then, about 20 minutes in, cutting you off, demanding that you pay them if you want to watch more, or wait "72 minutes" to continue viewing, because you have already viewed 60 minutes of Megavideo in the past 24 hours.False. I don't know if the Megavideo programmers are just incompetents, or if they designed their counter this way intentionally, but I have never seen anyone get more than 18-25 minutes of stream from these bastards before their so-called "60 minutes" were up.
Congratulations, Megavideo. You win the ultradick award, for offering the most deceptive, blatantly illegal and dishonestly motivated video site on the net.
If I were to drink Wolverine's blood, would I heal faster, or simply have a desperate desire to brush my teeth?
If I ate Riddick's eyeballs, would Chronicles of Riddick have been a good movie?
If "The Faculty" featured excessive teenage nudity, could anyone deny it would have been the best movie of all time?
If someone beat the hell out of Frank Miller, and no one was around to see it, who else would be thrilled if we at least found some security footage of it?
Similarly, if Michael Bay were to get blown up when a truck, driving up a ramp escaping terrorists, collided with a news helicopter than then landed on a fulcrumed section of highway, catapuled a hazmat transport vehicle onto his house, would he die a happy man?
I have not posted in quite sometime, and I will rectify this situation. An explanation follows:
I have no concept of time. I am not just stealing that joke from whatsisname, you know, the dude who says that. I am very good at judging intervals on the clock, however, and I generally know within a few minutes what time it is currently, when events will occur or did occur with pretty good resolution, often down to the exact minute.
What I lack, however, is any internal clock whatsoever. I am intellectually aware that on monday I will have to return to class (blast), but the last truly conscious thought I had was on thursday evening, when I was about to climb into bed, and I got a call from a friend who was across the street at the bar. It is now saturday at four pm. Such things happen in my life, regularly, and I can explain why.
I obey Newton's first law: a body at rest will remain so unless acted upon. That is, I have a very high inertia. This is why I relate to sleep so strangely: when I am awake, I remain so, until acted upon by another force (Theo's fist, bourbon, 96 hours of wakefulness, any/all literature) and I pass out. Accordingly, when I am asleep, I remain so until another force (class, desperate need to urinate, raging hangover, near starvation / dehydration, realization that the sun is setting) gets me out of bed. Apparently, the same applies for other states of being: when I blog, I blog a lot. When I am not blogging, months elapse without me noticing. Similarly, when I am drunk, I prefer to stay that way.
A good indicator of this phenomenon of behavioral state inertia (i just coined that phrase, feel free to steal it) is that at this age days no longer act as delineators of time. I make no assumptions, because as far as I am concerned, it is more efficient for me to assume you are stupid and ignorant, so I cannot be certain of your experience, but I know that when I was a child days each seemed like discrete events, with a full plot arc, a beginning, a middle, and an end. No longer. Now days fly by and I feel nervous making plans on a thursday if it is saturday because jesus I may still be drunk by then. A good, poetic, and original analogy is thus: it is like my life is written in ink on the pages of journal that was dipped in water, and the days have all run together. Somehow, however, I still manage to be a (semi) functional member of society.
So cheers, dear readers, for I have returned, and am ready to drop some truth bombs on your ass.
It has emerged as a strong theme in my posts that I ridicule popular notions or sayings. This is because they are easy targets and I am lazy. Also, I am busy with better things to do, like drink bourbon and watch Trailer Park Boys (seriously, check it out, great show).
Anyway, I apparently still know people who buy into the idea of "breaking the seal." This whole thing comes in various strengths, the strong version (and people have actually tried to tell me this) is that once you pee when drinking, you will only get less drunk after that. The weak version would be something like: it is harder to get drunk after you pee when drinking.
Here, however, is the bastardized science: like any metabolic process, getting drunk is a matter of matching inputs with outputs. Admittedly, an empty bladder may allow for faster draining of metabolic wastes and other blood toxins. Note the number of hedges here. However, the point is that, even in the worst case, all one needs to do is drink a bit more.
Is that so hard? Don't hold it in when you need to pee, just go, and then have something like 1/4 of a drink extra to make up for it. After all, if you are drinking slower than your body is metabolizing the alcohol, then you are not going to get drunk no matter what your bathroom habits.
Really, how many actual cliffs have you ever seen? Compare that with how many you have seen on film, in movies, TV, whatever.
You have probably never seen a real cliff in your life. Or maybe one, two at most. The average fictional film character encounters a whopping 1.56 every hour. In fact, 0.00023% of planet earth is occupied by cliffs. Not by my measurement, by someone else's; someone who has more credibility than me (note: I made this number up, also the one before it). The point is this: the average human (let alone American) is never flung off a cliff, or forced to catch someone who has been flung off a cliff, or skids slowly towards a cliff while fighting for some life-altering treasure. Or, for that matter, has the life-altering treasure fall off the cliff and then has to go get it, perhaps by intentionally diving of the cliff. Fictional characters, however, do this all the time.
Now, I have seen a real cliff, once. It must have been a solid 1,000 feet, and I almost walked off it. But, then again, I was cliff hunting at the time. Even with my concerted effort to find a cliff, it almost escaped my notice, even when it fell directly below my very stride, and this should tell you something.
But that is an entirely different story about how badass I am. One for another time. The point is this: suspension of disbelief can only go so far when it comes to cliffs. Let's hold Hollywood to some standard!
