Along with any forward looking financial decision, like cellaring fine wines and beers, or buying property. To do so would be weak! It is to assume that those investments will gain value faster than my own net worth. If it is fails to do so, it will simply be a diminishingly small and eventually worthless footnote to my empire.
And that is lunacy. Lunacy!
No investment shall ever match my earning potential!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
On the Fundamental Nature of the Laws of Physics
It is amazing to me that people go about their days so casually confident that the traffic laws will trump the basic physical laws of large body kinematics. The laws of physics are supposed to be the most fundamental there are.
This is one of the few instances where we literally stake our lives on our commitment to scientific theory, or lack thereof, and we are so supremely sure that large objects in motion will cease to be in motion before they get to us (and we do it, like, all the time).
People are stupid, distracted, manic, and unpredictable, inertia is not!
I urge discretion, people, calm and discretion!
This is one of the few instances where we literally stake our lives on our commitment to scientific theory, or lack thereof, and we are so supremely sure that large objects in motion will cease to be in motion before they get to us (and we do it, like, all the time).
People are stupid, distracted, manic, and unpredictable, inertia is not!
I urge discretion, people, calm and discretion!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
How to Steal, Pt. One
So part one of this helpful series focuses on one very specific topic: library books. This is chosen for one reason that has motivated me in two ways: I worked in the bowels of a university library once. My job: putting anti-theft strips in books, which means two things: 1:) I know how the security barrier works, 2.) I hated my job, and thus libraries. So, there are two general strategies to this.
1.) Avoid the detectors. You know, those metal gates they have like in stores. So the first strategy is to avoid these altogether. The best way to do this is through the window: Take the book you want, and throw it (as hard as you can) right through any window in the place. Remember, the harder you throw the book, the more momentum it has itself, so the more likely it is to shatter the glass without the book being destroyed itself. Trust me, I was a physicist once. Also, remember to throw it as nonchalantly as you can, in case anyone is looking. If done right, it should look like you were doing calisthenics, for to focus your chi for studying, and you focused it so intensely that the window in front of you shattered. And then you ran away.
Remember, once the book is retrieved on the outside, run to a neutral site. If anyone is following you, you don't want to lead them to your home. Run to a random place and hide out there (perhaps hiding behind a bush) for 36-48 hours before returning home. With academic books running between $15 and $65 It is well worth it!
Another related option is to take the book under your arm and simply charge, face first, through the window. But really, lets face it, if you are reading this blog, you are not that badass. So forget about it. Seriously, even if you succeeded, the medical bills would far outweigh the cost of the book. Let that dream die already!
2.) Remove the sensor in the book. The whole reason that the system works it that they plant these little magnetic metal strips in the books. Now, remember that there are arbitrarily many strips in any single book: hidden, if possible, in the most unreachable of places, such as the spine of the book. The important thing here is to remember that the strip is metal and the rest of the book is some kind of paper or paper derivative (and glue). So there are a couple of options here. The important thing is that you get the book on on normal terms, but then return it without the security strips so you can steal it later:
Take the book out. then when you get home: burn the paper part off, and whatever metal is left, leave it behind. This should be easy enough with some lighter fluid and a match. (please, be careful with fire, children)Once the book is done burning, scrape up all remains and sift out the metal, and then return it. Once it is back in the stacks, pick it up and saunter smoothly and knowingly through the security gates.
Another option is on I what call the "wholesale carnage" method. This one demands ripping the book apart piece by piece, until the offending strips are identified. For inspiration, picture that one ape in "2001: A Space Odyssey" who learned how to smash things with a bone. Like that. Such an unrelenting pulverization is sure to separate the paper from the metal parts. After all, the malleability of metal means that it will stay together while the paper is beaten to a . . . (dare I say?) . . . pulp. Once this is achieved, return the book and retrieve as before.
I hope this has been enlightening. and let us remember, so long as we are committing crimes undetected, we are lowering the reported crime rate in our area! Hooray!
Next up on jobs I have had and hated: my time in the kitchen of a restaurant-pirate bar-internet cafe. But then, I don't need to tell you about that! We've all been there. Hoooooeeeey!
1.) Avoid the detectors. You know, those metal gates they have like in stores. So the first strategy is to avoid these altogether. The best way to do this is through the window: Take the book you want, and throw it (as hard as you can) right through any window in the place. Remember, the harder you throw the book, the more momentum it has itself, so the more likely it is to shatter the glass without the book being destroyed itself. Trust me, I was a physicist once. Also, remember to throw it as nonchalantly as you can, in case anyone is looking. If done right, it should look like you were doing calisthenics, for to focus your chi for studying, and you focused it so intensely that the window in front of you shattered. And then you ran away.
Remember, once the book is retrieved on the outside, run to a neutral site. If anyone is following you, you don't want to lead them to your home. Run to a random place and hide out there (perhaps hiding behind a bush) for 36-48 hours before returning home. With academic books running between $15 and $65 It is well worth it!
Another related option is to take the book under your arm and simply charge, face first, through the window. But really, lets face it, if you are reading this blog, you are not that badass. So forget about it. Seriously, even if you succeeded, the medical bills would far outweigh the cost of the book. Let that dream die already!
2.) Remove the sensor in the book. The whole reason that the system works it that they plant these little magnetic metal strips in the books. Now, remember that there are arbitrarily many strips in any single book: hidden, if possible, in the most unreachable of places, such as the spine of the book. The important thing here is to remember that the strip is metal and the rest of the book is some kind of paper or paper derivative (and glue). So there are a couple of options here. The important thing is that you get the book on on normal terms, but then return it without the security strips so you can steal it later:
Take the book out. then when you get home: burn the paper part off, and whatever metal is left, leave it behind. This should be easy enough with some lighter fluid and a match. (please, be careful with fire, children)Once the book is done burning, scrape up all remains and sift out the metal, and then return it. Once it is back in the stacks, pick it up and saunter smoothly and knowingly through the security gates.
Another option is on I what call the "wholesale carnage" method. This one demands ripping the book apart piece by piece, until the offending strips are identified. For inspiration, picture that one ape in "2001: A Space Odyssey" who learned how to smash things with a bone. Like that. Such an unrelenting pulverization is sure to separate the paper from the metal parts. After all, the malleability of metal means that it will stay together while the paper is beaten to a . . . (dare I say?) . . . pulp. Once this is achieved, return the book and retrieve as before.
I hope this has been enlightening. and let us remember, so long as we are committing crimes undetected, we are lowering the reported crime rate in our area! Hooray!
Next up on jobs I have had and hated: my time in the kitchen of a restaurant-pirate bar-internet cafe. But then, I don't need to tell you about that! We've all been there. Hoooooeeeey!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Here, Let Me Pour Bleach All Over That for You: An editorial by the food industry.
Hey, you gonna eat that? You sure you don't want me to bleach it first?
What? you want the vitamins and stuff? OK, well that's cool, I guess. We can just bleach it then add them back in.
Really, it's no problem. In fact I'll even make it cheaper than the stuff we haven't bleached and reconstituted yet.
So you just don't want the bleach then huh. Well that is what you are going to get. I spent a lot of money on bleach and bleaching equipment, mister, and you are just going to have to deal with it!
What? you want the vitamins and stuff? OK, well that's cool, I guess. We can just bleach it then add them back in.
Really, it's no problem. In fact I'll even make it cheaper than the stuff we haven't bleached and reconstituted yet.
So you just don't want the bleach then huh. Well that is what you are going to get. I spent a lot of money on bleach and bleaching equipment, mister, and you are just going to have to deal with it!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Statistics Says; You Are Probably Mediocre
I don't know who you are, and don't really care. I can get by just fine by assuming that you are utterly average in every way (looks, intelligence, fighting ability, skill in construction of shrubberies, knowledge of the phylum 'Mollusca'). Sure you might not be mediocre in all these ways, but it is still expedient for me to expect that you are, and treat you as if you are, thoroughly average.
After all, it all averages out in the end.
After all, it all averages out in the end.
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