Dear The Internet a.k.a. tehtoobs a.k.a. oh ye who delivers a shocking amount of pornography into my bedroom a.k.a. maurice,
Let me introduce myself. I am your biggest fan. You bring such volumes of information into my life, and I am truly appreciative. For instance, through you I purchase movie tickets, order food that arrives nearly half of the time, commit wire fraud, perjury, and violate a litany of obscenity laws. Indeed, if it weren't for you, maurty, this very blog would be no more than the insane scramblings of two -- usually inebriated -- lunatics. In fact, it may not be any more than that. But at least you are a more efficient method of dissemination than anything involving ink, money or an attention span lasting more than mere seconds. For, verily, I tire now of writing already.
In any event, I just wanted to say, keep up the good work. Keep showing me comics and boobs and I will use you to try and steal as many free and illegal services as possible while contributing next to nothing in return. If only all relationships were this easy.
Oh, one thing though. Turn fucking cnn.com off, will you? That shit is just goddamned awful.
Respects,
Penis
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