Theo Von's Hangover Cure

OK, so it is Saturday morning, or Sunday, or Friday, or. Well, it is the morning, so you are hungover. Many things you could have done last night to make it better, and hell maybe you did, but it is too late for that now. There is no looking back: we must look forward. We must solve this problem.

Unfortunately there is no magical potion for a hangover cure. We cannot solve this problem with finesse, and when finesse can not help, what do we use? That's right, good old brute force. This is the basis for my own personal hangover remedy.

The idea is that you have flooded your body with toxic chemicals. Some you drank, others are metabolic products of other things you drank. With that in mind, all you need to do is push that shit out and replace it with something more benign. To do so I have a basic three point plan:

1.) Eat and drink. Flood your body with new materials to fill the bloodstream and metabolize (note: drink a lot).

2.) Metabolize. Chances are, you don't feel like any real exercise, so go for a walk, or masturbate repeatedly. The point is, do something to keep your body's engine running.

3.) Excrete. Either by sweat or by urine. You have probably been doing one or both all night anyway, and hopefully these will follow from steps 1.) and 2.), but it is still an important step in the plan, as this is how you finally get rid of those alcohol metabolites that are making you feel like hell. (note: other forms of excretion, such as farting and defecating, will feel nice and as such are encouraged, but they are not a specific part of the plan. Excess nasal and sinus mucus should also be expelled.)

You may, after following the intense regimen above, want to take a nap. This is also encouraged, but it is optional.

If you follow my plan, I can personally guarantee that you will feel better by 6:00 pm!