That Certainly Was An Experience That Resembled Seeing A Movie

Caption: "For emphasis, I am pointing with my fist. We must go in that direction immediately, tovarishch."

Mind numbing. God awful crap. It boggled the mind. I have a bruise on my forehead from slapping it so much. There was a fourteen minute running sword fight were shia lebouf (i refuse to spell it correctly) is straddling a pair of acquatic jeeps going 90 miles an hour through the peruvian forest fencing with cate blanchett with a pair of rapiers that for some reason, are conveniently on hand, while his mother corrects his footwork. Jaw dropping.

Also, magnetic things do not stop being magnetic because you put a blanket over them. Just, no.

*Sets down bottle, wipes tears from eyes*

In one scene, in order to avoid a nuclear explosion Indiana climbs into a fucking refridgerator that is catapulted bodily for a distance of several hundred yards, and when the door opens up, instead of it being full of a chunky red goo that was formerly indiana jones, we are treated to a sputtering harrison ford only to have the joy of then watching a man in a radiation suit scrub his penis.

That was not a movie. It was a made in hong kong, microwavable, styrofoam packaged marketing device. The plot was plucked out of some strange scientologist handbook. It was one part apacalypto, three parts pirates of the carribean, two parts old indiana jones movies, and the remainder being a heap of recycled scraps left over from other deep concept movies like M. Night Shyamalan's The Village.

Oh, and I am going to go ahead and spoil The Happening for you, because you are not seeing it, and, even if you do, you are obviously stupid enough that me telling you the 'spoiler' will not affect your movie going experience at all, you mindless drone: it's the plants. The plants, here on Earth, are pissed off about humans treating them badly, so they secrete a neurotoxin that makes you want to kill other people, and, failing that, kill yourself. Are they waterboarding the people that come up with these plots? I simply do not understand.

Oh, additionally, four wild horses could not drag me to the Sex and the City movie. Actually, if you bought me the ticket, dinner, and gave me a steady supply of snacks and booze for the duration of the film, I would watch it, but I cannot promise I would not complain bitterly the entire time.