the horrifying snake game
piloting with your yardstick
poledancing with ricky
disobeying the bible
worshipping at the altar of depravity
administer internally and don't call in the morning
initiating regret
laying grounds for divorce
stress testing the furniture
stress testing the kitchen counter
the euphemistic samba
having a grunt competition
sideways jogging
challenging societies' morals
experimenting with new ways to fuck up our relationship
further alienating myself from my estranged wife / family / etc.
playing the ape to her jane goodall
bestiality, only with a woman
engaging in frivolous and unnecessary behavior
failing at yoga
praying the vasectomy took
the nasty 90 seconds
the three point five inch fire punch
assisting in the task of unraveling the firehose
laughing in pity
politely dancing around the word 'inadequate'
questioning how, once again, i wound up in that circumstance
fearing that her father is armed, drunk, and anti-semitic
sandhogging
more to come later.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Coversations from Our Lives
RG: i wonder what it'll be like when i hook up with her roommate.
PE: who is her roommate?
RG: XXXXXX
PE: i thought she was dating that kid XXXX
RG: nope
RG: i'm not actually like, really interested?
RG: but like, its like everest.
RG: fuckin, it's there, man.
PE: but if you've got supplies and a sherpa is it worth it
PE: and you don't like cold places lacking booze
PE: it's a metaphor
RG: you are absolutely right.
PE: who is her roommate?
RG: XXXXXX
PE: i thought she was dating that kid XXXX
RG: nope
RG: i'm not actually like, really interested?
RG: but like, its like everest.
RG: fuckin, it's there, man.
PE: but if you've got supplies and a sherpa is it worth it
PE: and you don't like cold places lacking booze
PE: it's a metaphor
RG: you are absolutely right.
RG's Hangover Cures, Sundry, Various, and Assorted
Theo recently wrote a very adept treatise on curing hangovers, featured infra. I contest no part of his writings, and would like to applaud Theo for his accurate, insightful and useful advice. However, I would also like to supply a list of my own hangover remedies.
Remedies for the Physical
1. Vitamin waters, lots of it.
2. Small amounts of food that are high in grease and fat; a small amount of carbohydrates.
3. Staying away from any and all dairy products. (NB: You may disagree with me on this one, as milk is a good source of hydration, fat, and lots of nutrients, however, in recognition of the constant danger of next day re-boot, keep in mind that expelling partially digested milk through the mouth is desperately unpleasant.)
4. Avoiding bright, direct sunlight.
5. Large amounts of water.
6. Excretion, as mentioned infra
7. Other intoxicants. Via judicious ingestion of small amounts of alcohol throughout the day, a whopping hangover that would normally last an afternoon can safely be tolled over a two day period, resulting in a much less overbearing sense of misery over a longer period of time, instead of wishing you were dead for about 8 hours. I call this "Sunday."
Remedies for the Spirit
1. Vegetative activities. Such as watching movies (funny and/or action), playing video games (Id.), watching T.V., reading a pleasurable book.
2. Avoiding work.
3. Seeking the company of others in the same situation.
4. Remembering the fun parts of the previous night.
5. Ignoring the bad parts of the previous night.
6. Planning your next fiasco.
Prophylactic Measures
1. To prevent some of the worse spiritual impacts of a hangover, before it gets too late, and you get too drunk, turn off your phone. You will be unable to use it in idiotic ways, and this may save your ass.
2. Drink as much water before bed as possible. When you wake during the night to pee, have another glass. This can turn going to bed at four in the morning stupefyingly drunk into a situation where you can not only tolerate a day at the office on the morrow, but be reasonably productive.
3. Eat something before getting blotto.
4. Know where you are going to sleep before getting blotto.
5. Accept that, when you wake up, there is a distinct possibility you will not be in aforementioned site of repose, and may not be alone, and s/he may be brutally attractive or you may experience the "I need to have left exactly 90 seconds ago" blues.
6. Know that, despite the horrible chemical induced guilt, you are a good person, and your family, friends and coworkers enjoy your company and delightful antics. Unless you are a bastard, in which case, go fuck yourself.
*Cheers*
Remedies for the Physical
1. Vitamin waters, lots of it.
2. Small amounts of food that are high in grease and fat; a small amount of carbohydrates.
3. Staying away from any and all dairy products. (NB: You may disagree with me on this one, as milk is a good source of hydration, fat, and lots of nutrients, however, in recognition of the constant danger of next day re-boot, keep in mind that expelling partially digested milk through the mouth is desperately unpleasant.)
4. Avoiding bright, direct sunlight.
5. Large amounts of water.
6. Excretion, as mentioned infra
7. Other intoxicants. Via judicious ingestion of small amounts of alcohol throughout the day, a whopping hangover that would normally last an afternoon can safely be tolled over a two day period, resulting in a much less overbearing sense of misery over a longer period of time, instead of wishing you were dead for about 8 hours. I call this "Sunday."
Remedies for the Spirit
1. Vegetative activities. Such as watching movies (funny and/or action), playing video games (Id.), watching T.V., reading a pleasurable book.
2. Avoiding work.
3. Seeking the company of others in the same situation.
4. Remembering the fun parts of the previous night.
5. Ignoring the bad parts of the previous night.
6. Planning your next fiasco.
Prophylactic Measures
1. To prevent some of the worse spiritual impacts of a hangover, before it gets too late, and you get too drunk, turn off your phone. You will be unable to use it in idiotic ways, and this may save your ass.
2. Drink as much water before bed as possible. When you wake during the night to pee, have another glass. This can turn going to bed at four in the morning stupefyingly drunk into a situation where you can not only tolerate a day at the office on the morrow, but be reasonably productive.
3. Eat something before getting blotto.
4. Know where you are going to sleep before getting blotto.
5. Accept that, when you wake up, there is a distinct possibility you will not be in aforementioned site of repose, and may not be alone, and s/he may be brutally attractive or you may experience the "I need to have left exactly 90 seconds ago" blues.
6. Know that, despite the horrible chemical induced guilt, you are a good person, and your family, friends and coworkers enjoy your company and delightful antics. Unless you are a bastard, in which case, go fuck yourself.
*Cheers*
Molehills; Mountains; Making Of; Puking on Them
We are all familiar with the expression "Making mountains out of molehills." It is appropriately used in situations wherein one has, in an attempt to rid one's backyard of common pests, accidentally overestimated the amount of tunnel filling material necessary to complete the job and, as a result, accidentally dropped roughly 10^17 tons of granite on top of your house.
However, I want to introduce a new expression, "Puking on an anthill." In the excellent comedic motion picture, Tommy Boy, at one point, David Spade's character pukes on an anthill. "Cool," he explains, "I think they're pissed off." You don't say, Mr. Spade, you don't say.
In essence, as a matter of unintentional bodily function, Mr. Spade's character unintentionally destroyed an entire civilization in a gruesome, horrific fashion, more than likely killing tens of thousands in a single plop. I find this situation analogous to when the Earth lets off a little steam, or has a tummy-ache, and then an entire city is subsumed by a maelstrom of weather induced chaos. I think the earth cares about as much as Mr. Spade cared about that anthill. "Whoa... neat... they are totally pissed off." Thanks, Earth. At least you find it amusing.*
Therefore, the phrase be coined thusly, to "Puke on an anthill" is to unintentionally and completely destroy something of no actual personal value to your self, tremendous importance to someone/thing you could not care less about, and mild amusement at the reaction.
"Dude, last night Jack totally puked on the anthill. He fucking burned down that asshole Tom's dad's house when he was doing flaming shots while performing a handstand on the dining room table."
"Sweet."
* The flipside of this would be equally funny, that is, if the earth existed in constant sorrowful frustration at the fact its bodily functions routinely killed millions. Imagine if every time you hiccuped there was a holocaust. A similar story is that of a math teach of mine, who's college roommate -- at our old alma matter, in fact -- freshmen year found a litter of kittens which he adopted and lived in his dorm room. He loved those kittens and, systematically, by accident, over the course of the year, killed them all, one by one. Doing things like slamming his sock drawer shut. Or watching helplessly as they leapt off the balcony while chasing a bird. Schadenfreude.
However, I want to introduce a new expression, "Puking on an anthill." In the excellent comedic motion picture, Tommy Boy, at one point, David Spade's character pukes on an anthill. "Cool," he explains, "I think they're pissed off." You don't say, Mr. Spade, you don't say.
In essence, as a matter of unintentional bodily function, Mr. Spade's character unintentionally destroyed an entire civilization in a gruesome, horrific fashion, more than likely killing tens of thousands in a single plop. I find this situation analogous to when the Earth lets off a little steam, or has a tummy-ache, and then an entire city is subsumed by a maelstrom of weather induced chaos. I think the earth cares about as much as Mr. Spade cared about that anthill. "Whoa... neat... they are totally pissed off." Thanks, Earth. At least you find it amusing.*
Therefore, the phrase be coined thusly, to "Puke on an anthill" is to unintentionally and completely destroy something of no actual personal value to your self, tremendous importance to someone/thing you could not care less about, and mild amusement at the reaction.
"Dude, last night Jack totally puked on the anthill. He fucking burned down that asshole Tom's dad's house when he was doing flaming shots while performing a handstand on the dining room table."
"Sweet."
* The flipside of this would be equally funny, that is, if the earth existed in constant sorrowful frustration at the fact its bodily functions routinely killed millions. Imagine if every time you hiccuped there was a holocaust. A similar story is that of a math teach of mine, who's college roommate -- at our old alma matter, in fact -- freshmen year found a litter of kittens which he adopted and lived in his dorm room. He loved those kittens and, systematically, by accident, over the course of the year, killed them all, one by one. Doing things like slamming his sock drawer shut. Or watching helplessly as they leapt off the balcony while chasing a bird. Schadenfreude.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Theo Von's Hangover Cure
OK, so it is Saturday morning, or Sunday, or Friday, or. Well, it is the morning, so you are hungover. Many things you could have done last night to make it better, and hell maybe you did, but it is too late for that now. There is no looking back: we must look forward. We must solve this problem.
Unfortunately there is no magical potion for a hangover cure. We cannot solve this problem with finesse, and when finesse can not help, what do we use? That's right, good old brute force. This is the basis for my own personal hangover remedy.
The idea is that you have flooded your body with toxic chemicals. Some you drank, others are metabolic products of other things you drank. With that in mind, all you need to do is push that shit out and replace it with something more benign. To do so I have a basic three point plan:
1.) Eat and drink. Flood your body with new materials to fill the bloodstream and metabolize (note: drink a lot).
2.) Metabolize. Chances are, you don't feel like any real exercise, so go for a walk, or masturbate repeatedly. The point is, do something to keep your body's engine running.
3.) Excrete. Either by sweat or by urine. You have probably been doing one or both all night anyway, and hopefully these will follow from steps 1.) and 2.), but it is still an important step in the plan, as this is how you finally get rid of those alcohol metabolites that are making you feel like hell. (note: other forms of excretion, such as farting and defecating, will feel nice and as such are encouraged, but they are not a specific part of the plan. Excess nasal and sinus mucus should also be expelled.)
You may, after following the intense regimen above, want to take a nap. This is also encouraged, but it is optional.
If you follow my plan, I can personally guarantee that you will feel better by 6:00 pm!
Unfortunately there is no magical potion for a hangover cure. We cannot solve this problem with finesse, and when finesse can not help, what do we use? That's right, good old brute force. This is the basis for my own personal hangover remedy.
The idea is that you have flooded your body with toxic chemicals. Some you drank, others are metabolic products of other things you drank. With that in mind, all you need to do is push that shit out and replace it with something more benign. To do so I have a basic three point plan:
1.) Eat and drink. Flood your body with new materials to fill the bloodstream and metabolize (note: drink a lot).
2.) Metabolize. Chances are, you don't feel like any real exercise, so go for a walk, or masturbate repeatedly. The point is, do something to keep your body's engine running.
3.) Excrete. Either by sweat or by urine. You have probably been doing one or both all night anyway, and hopefully these will follow from steps 1.) and 2.), but it is still an important step in the plan, as this is how you finally get rid of those alcohol metabolites that are making you feel like hell. (note: other forms of excretion, such as farting and defecating, will feel nice and as such are encouraged, but they are not a specific part of the plan. Excess nasal and sinus mucus should also be expelled.)
You may, after following the intense regimen above, want to take a nap. This is also encouraged, but it is optional.
If you follow my plan, I can personally guarantee that you will feel better by 6:00 pm!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
On Energy Flow in the Human Body
Many of the eastern and/or new age approaches to health and well being are predicated on the notions of energy flow. Acupuncture, feng shui, yoga, many forms of meditation, chakra, auras, ghosts, those detox foot pads they advertize on TV, and many other forms of, well, bullshit spend most of their time discussing the flows and concentrations of various kinds of life force energy, such as chi, yin or yang. Many people buy into this kind of thing because, to them, life energy is a mysterious and strange thing. So you can say just about anything you want about it as long as you keep up the act *most* of the time.
Really, though, the patterns of energy flow in the body are very well known, and not at all mysterious. A breif synopsis for those unfamiliar with the biology:
1.) Energy enters the mouth in chemical bonds clumped together in large chunks.
2.) In the stomach, energy is broken into smaller chunks.
3.) Energy passes into the intestines where it passes into the blood stream.
4.) The cirulatory system carries energy to individual cells all over the body.
5.) In each individual cell, the energy is processed in one of a few ways:
5.a.) The energy is burn bu either aerobic resperation or anaerobic processes such as fermentation to fuel cellular growth or other such processes. (this process is complex but well understood. I will not go into it)
5.a.1.) energy can be converted to different kinds of chmeical enegry or into mechanical energy, such as in muscle cells.
5.b.) Unused energy can be converted and stored in the body for later use.
5.c) Some energy is unusable, and is simply passed from the body.
6.) Leftover scraps and byproducts are returned to the blood stream and dispelled from the body in the urine.
The basic pattern is nicely summed up in this (unmodified) illustration by the great Vesalius:
See? It is simple. No need for energy centers or balancing of opposing forces. No appeal to the energy flow of a tree. No ghosts.
Just food, blood and pee.
Really, though, the patterns of energy flow in the body are very well known, and not at all mysterious. A breif synopsis for those unfamiliar with the biology:
1.) Energy enters the mouth in chemical bonds clumped together in large chunks.
2.) In the stomach, energy is broken into smaller chunks.
3.) Energy passes into the intestines where it passes into the blood stream.
4.) The cirulatory system carries energy to individual cells all over the body.
5.) In each individual cell, the energy is processed in one of a few ways:
5.a.) The energy is burn bu either aerobic resperation or anaerobic processes such as fermentation to fuel cellular growth or other such processes. (this process is complex but well understood. I will not go into it)
5.a.1.) energy can be converted to different kinds of chmeical enegry or into mechanical energy, such as in muscle cells.
5.b.) Unused energy can be converted and stored in the body for later use.
5.c) Some energy is unusable, and is simply passed from the body.
6.) Leftover scraps and byproducts are returned to the blood stream and dispelled from the body in the urine.
The basic pattern is nicely summed up in this (unmodified) illustration by the great Vesalius:
See? It is simple. No need for energy centers or balancing of opposing forces. No appeal to the energy flow of a tree. No ghosts.
Just food, blood and pee.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Formulas for Inexplicable Situations
Quite often when flipping through the channels, and I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this sensation, I come across a show where there is something happening on screen that cannot be described adequately by any configuration of events leading up to it. Here are some objects and situations that, in combination, are very difficult to explain. See if you can come up with the reasoning yourself.
The Horrified Santa
Three Santa Hats
Four Gallons of Yogurt
One Rabbit, Alive
One Rabbit, Dead & Partially Skinned
Four Copies of "Guns and Ammo"
Two Used Depilatories
Setting: Floor of Grand Central Station, 3 A.M., Midsummer
Mugshot Madness
One camcorder
Three footballs
Two Jars of Vaseline
One Turducken
Half of a Ferrari
An assortment and array of zuccinis, organized alphabetically or by size
A nonfunctioning polaroid camera
Setting: Prison
The Unholy Salad Bar
Three pairs of clear plastic serving tongs
One pair of stainless steel serving tongs
Several Pounds of Lettuce
Three gallons of thousand island dressing, measured out evenly into 24 soiled batman themed tupperware containers
A tape of George W. Bush's first State of the Union Address, playing, on loop
An 'unfortunate' number of hot pants (there is room for interpretation for this one)
Setting: 3/4 of A Denny's, the remaining 1/4 having been recently removed by an impact with a tractor trailer
The Horrified Santa
Three Santa Hats
Four Gallons of Yogurt
One Rabbit, Alive
One Rabbit, Dead & Partially Skinned
Four Copies of "Guns and Ammo"
Two Used Depilatories
Setting: Floor of Grand Central Station, 3 A.M., Midsummer
Mugshot Madness
One camcorder
Three footballs
Two Jars of Vaseline
One Turducken
Half of a Ferrari
An assortment and array of zuccinis, organized alphabetically or by size
A nonfunctioning polaroid camera
Setting: Prison
The Unholy Salad Bar
Three pairs of clear plastic serving tongs
One pair of stainless steel serving tongs
Several Pounds of Lettuce
Three gallons of thousand island dressing, measured out evenly into 24 soiled batman themed tupperware containers
A tape of George W. Bush's first State of the Union Address, playing, on loop
An 'unfortunate' number of hot pants (there is room for interpretation for this one)
Setting: 3/4 of A Denny's, the remaining 1/4 having been recently removed by an impact with a tractor trailer
The Amazing Man Without Shame
If I were a superhero / circus oddity, I would be the Amazing Man Without Shame.
Victim: "Oh no, our house is being robbed, whatever shall we do!"
Robber: Ya' ain't gonna do nothin'! Yer gettin' robbed and you are going to like it!
*Door bursts Open*
*Our hero enters, wearing a tattered pinstripe suit, broken sunglasses, and limply clutching a half empty plastic bottle with the label partially torn off*
Victim: Thank god! It's the amazing man without shame!
*TAMWS Stumbled in*
TAMWS: Hold on. *He immediately keels forward and vomits on the floor*
TAMWS: What the fuck is going on here? *He immediately drops his trousers and begins to pee on the living room floor while gargling vodka*
Robber: Jesus christ what the fuck are you doing?
*TAMWS hits robber in the face with vodka bottle, begins humping his leg vigorously*
Victim: "Oh no, our house is being robbed, whatever shall we do!"
Robber: Ya' ain't gonna do nothin'! Yer gettin' robbed and you are going to like it!
*Door bursts Open*
*Our hero enters, wearing a tattered pinstripe suit, broken sunglasses, and limply clutching a half empty plastic bottle with the label partially torn off*
Victim: Thank god! It's the amazing man without shame!
*TAMWS Stumbled in*
TAMWS: Hold on. *He immediately keels forward and vomits on the floor*
TAMWS: What the fuck is going on here? *He immediately drops his trousers and begins to pee on the living room floor while gargling vodka*
Robber: Jesus christ what the fuck are you doing?
*TAMWS hits robber in the face with vodka bottle, begins humping his leg vigorously*
Monday, June 2, 2008
I'm Not the First to Say It
And surely won't be the last:
The new google favicon sucks.
Bring back the G.
The new google favicon sucks.
Bring back the G.
That Certainly Was An Experience That Resembled Seeing A Movie
Caption: "For emphasis, I am pointing with my fist. We must go in that direction immediately, tovarishch." Mind numbing. God awful crap. It boggled the mind. I have a bruise on my forehead from slapping it so much. There was a fourteen minute running sword fight were shia lebouf (i refuse to spell it correctly) is straddling a pair of acquatic jeeps going 90 miles an hour through the peruvian forest fencing with cate blanchett with a pair of rapiers that for some reason, are conveniently on hand, while his mother corrects his footwork. Jaw dropping.
Also, magnetic things do not stop being magnetic because you put a blanket over them. Just, no.
*Sets down bottle, wipes tears from eyes*
In one scene, in order to avoid a nuclear explosion Indiana climbs into a fucking refridgerator that is catapulted bodily for a distance of several hundred yards, and when the door opens up, instead of it being full of a chunky red goo that was formerly indiana jones, we are treated to a sputtering harrison ford only to have the joy of then watching a man in a radiation suit scrub his penis.
That was not a movie. It was a made in hong kong, microwavable, styrofoam packaged marketing device. The plot was plucked out of some strange scientologist handbook. It was one part apacalypto, three parts pirates of the carribean, two parts old indiana jones movies, and the remainder being a heap of recycled scraps left over from other deep concept movies like M. Night Shyamalan's The Village.
Oh, and I am going to go ahead and spoil The Happening for you, because you are not seeing it, and, even if you do, you are obviously stupid enough that me telling you the 'spoiler' will not affect your movie going experience at all, you mindless drone: it's the plants. The plants, here on Earth, are pissed off about humans treating them badly, so they secrete a neurotoxin that makes you want to kill other people, and, failing that, kill yourself. Are they waterboarding the people that come up with these plots? I simply do not understand.
Oh, additionally, four wild horses could not drag me to the Sex and the City movie. Actually, if you bought me the ticket, dinner, and gave me a steady supply of snacks and booze for the duration of the film, I would watch it, but I cannot promise I would not complain bitterly the entire time.
Suggestions for Band Names
Here is a list of good potential band names. I reserve all rights. For best impact, imagine a group of four guys getting up on stage, and saying "Hi, we're ______, and watchout, because your face is about to get its ass kicked." (Credit to seanbaby.)
The Felons
Unadulterated Crap
Wanted in the Lower 48
Self Involved Hipsters
The Arsonists
The Flaming Pants
We Are Here For Your Daughters
Belligerently Intoxicated
The Rapists
The Connie Chung Rapstravaganza
Dangerous Objects
Semi-Nude
The Nudists
Visually Offensive
Morally Offensive
Highly Odorous
Nauseous
From New Jewsey
Geographically Undesirable
Spoiled Rich Kids
Talentless Pricks
The Flaccid Hambones
In No Way Prepared
The Felons
Unadulterated Crap
Wanted in the Lower 48
Self Involved Hipsters
The Arsonists
The Flaming Pants
We Are Here For Your Daughters
Belligerently Intoxicated
The Rapists
The Connie Chung Rapstravaganza
Dangerous Objects
Semi-Nude
The Nudists
Visually Offensive
Morally Offensive
Highly Odorous
Nauseous
From New Jewsey
Geographically Undesirable
Spoiled Rich Kids
Talentless Pricks
The Flaccid Hambones
In No Way Prepared
My Body and I Have Reached an Impasse Over Negotiations Pertaining What to Do With My Stomach Contents
I carefully selected, masticated and swallowed that philly cheesesteak, stomach, and I do not appreciate the maneuvers you are currently trying to pull. I am interested in ingesting that food for its nutritional value, and if you continue your plans as stated, the entire act of eating said sandwich will be reduced to nothing more than elaborate mimery, or, perhaps, some sort of kabuki-style theater.
Fine. If you insist.
If you will excuse me, apparently, I need to return some partially digested food.
Fine. If you insist.
If you will excuse me, apparently, I need to return some partially digested food.
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