The Penis Chronicles, Vol. III

It should be disclaimed, dear reader, that not every store I write on this blog is, in fact, my own, or entirely true. Comedy requires creativity, and, often, straight up theivery. That in mind, enjoy this latest installment.

We were 17. Some very attractive female friends were throwing a birthday party, and the girl's family would be gone for the weekend. For the entertainment, John, a very goodlooking and very crazy man, was asked to do a striptease.

Naturally, he was thrilled.

Not in any small part because he knew Stephanie would be there, and par example the logic that gets John into these exact sorts of situations, he opined, "Clearly, the best way to get this girl in bed is to show her my junk."

So, we show up on the night in question. Though goodlooking, aware of how goodlooking he is, and largely shameless, John was hitting the liquid courage pretty hard. He is chatting it up with Steph, and things are going great. So they go to an upstairs bedroom.

They continue to talk, and John realizes that he may have phrase his answer in the form of a 'chowder.' So, he asks Steph to wait for a moment, and goes into the bathroom.

It turns out his worship at the porcelain altar took longer than planned, so Steph knocked, and entered, and with concern that was not entirely unsexful, helped him clean up a bit.

John, of course, not only thought, but knew, he still had a chance. She tells John to sit tight, she will be back with some water in just a minute. In the meantime, here, go lay in the bathtub.

This is when things take a turn for the worse.

John grows impatient in the bathtub. He realizes he may need to have another technicolor yawn, and rather than muss his fine, fine threads, and since he is stripping anyway, well, what the hell.

A few more moments pass. John may or may not returned his cookies all over himself (read: may), and was now lying, naked, freezing, in the bathtub, in the evidence of his own sick. Shrinkage, of course, ensued. Now, according to John logic, considering he still wanted to get with this girl, and his plan was largely predicated on her examination and approval of his goods, this simply would not do.

So, what could have been an incredible night, ended up with Steph walking in to the bathroom to find a naked, vomit covered John lying in the bathtub, masturbating.

Take a bow, John. Take a bow.