Theo Von's Vitalamine Health Elixir

In the early 1920s I introduced a health drink that I had concocted to take advantage of the newly developed science of nutrition and vitalamines. The recipe may seem a bit crude by modern standards, but at the time it was truly revolutionary. Since my patent has expired, and modern science has advanced as it has, I now see fit to share with you the secrets of this wondrous victual.

Each ingredient was included to provide one particular vitamin or mineral, or for flavor/body purposes:

Banana: potassium
Eggs: protein, Vitamin B<sub>2
Cod Liver Oil: Vitamin A
Lemon/Lime/Grapefruit or whatever could be found: Vitamin C, and in hopes that the recipe would be deemed suitable by Her Majesty's Royal Navy (it was not)
Sassafras Root: Thought to minimize the Chaloric Humour (since discredited), flavor
1 Salamander tail: Improves vigour and stirs the internal passions, appeasement of the Pagan Gods
Aloe Vera: Soothing to linings of stomach and intestines
1 Baked Potato: Improved body
3 Drabs Sacramental Wine: To make concoction less evil (balanced to salamander)
Coriander and Mustard: More palatable nose

All of these ingredients were then mashed together in a large earthenware pot. At the time, fermentation was the only fully understood form of food 'processing.' So, I would throw in my proprietary yeast and/or bacteria colony (I must confess I don't really know what it was), and bury the pot until the next new moon.

As to the taste, I cannot fairly say, as I viewed this concoction with all of the pride of one's first child and so must admit my bias (note: the drink was usually less offensive than my actual first child). And did it work? Well, I am still alive, and I was apparently an entrepreneur as early as 1920. It seems highly unlikely that I was any younger than about 15 or so at the time, which means I must be pretty old. I credit this longevity to my drink, and well as my yogurt-heavy diet.

Sadly, despite is obvious efficacy, the drink was a commercial failure. It came at a time in between the popular coca elixers and snake-oil medicines of the turn of the century and modern super-foods. As such it was looked upon suspiciously by fans of either.

I was lucky, though, as I was able to salvage my business by selling small sections of ordinary tree roots as truffles. I will tell you more of that adventure, of course, after the statute of limitations on massive consumer fraud has passed.</sub>