Lessons In Social Interaction #4: How to come off like a complete jerk no matter what the subject matter.

For those who have not seen it, this is the next in my long series of lessons on social interaction. Here's #1 # 3 and number 2.

This lesson will allow you, reader, to come off as a vacuous, condescending asshole no matter what the subject matter. Let's dive right into it.

This social interaction takes place in four discrete steps.

1. The Blowjob / Dumbledore
2. The Bob Dole
3. Sock Puppet
4. Fireworks / Jazzhands

1. The Blowjob / Dumbledore: raise your closed fist to your chin, and cock your head slightly while saying something a little too slowly and high pitched, as if you are bringing genuine insight to the topic, and not merely being a bag of hot air. Which you are. When pausing to think between words, which you should do frequently, put your fist in front of your mouth. Squint slightly.



2. The Bob Dole: On a particularly important point (read: you will have to make this up, because you are saying nothing of value), raise your fist with your thumb pressed slightly up in the air. Do not shake your fist. Pretend that you are shaking hands with a tiny floating politician. Or applying mascara to tinkerbell. Whatever works for you.



3. The Sock Puppet: After successfully completing the Bob dole, hold your hand up in the air, between yourself and your debate opponent, with your fingers poised as if you were holding a straw by your fingertips, horizontal to the ground. For those of you familiar with kung fu, and if any of my readers are not, I will be sorely disappointed, the posture is extremely similar to the crane. Turn your hand sideways though.





You make shake this for emphasis.

4. Fireworks / Jazzhands: Splay the fingers on your sock puppet out dramatically, for what should be the killing blow in your rhetorical onslaught.



Congratulations, sir. You have come off like an asshole.