CNN Is Officially Dead To Me

It has been a steady decline since Ted Turner left. It went from being the news network equivalent of the Times to a slightly populist but really just a little more blue state-ish FoxNews.

First, there was this. In other words, as long ago as two years ago cnn.com was reporting unsubstantiated bullshit as 'science,' by merely putting the word "Scientists: _______" in front of whatever asinine headline one of their PAs came up with the night before. My particular favorite was "Scientists: What came first, chicken or the egg? Egg." I shit you not. That is 100% true. As Theo pointed out, actually, the right answer is "Dinosaurs," but that is entirely beside the point. The point is that CNN producers, reporters, whoever, have absolutely no grip of science whatsoever, and post the most insane incorrect meaningless bullshit all the time. It is really just pathetic.

However, two things have happened in the past two days that have really sealed the deal on CNN's major suckage. Many moons ago, CNN.com, basking in the glory of broadband and mpeg video compression, decided that about half of its online headlines should be from the CNN.com video department. Suffice it to say, not one of these stories, ever, ever, is remotely news worthy. Today, April 22, 2008, the video headlines include "Man Stuck In Elevator for 41 Hours," [this happened several years ago, but thanks to a NYMag.com article posting the recently digitized elevator security cam footage, popularized by such crowdsourced sites as Digg.com and reddit.com, MSM CNN has decided to play "Hey guys, me too!" and try to get a few thousand CPIs out of this. On reddit, it is fine. For CNN to post it is beyond the most godawful conception of lowbrow pandering], "Citizen Tickets Cop for $540 Violation," and "Synchronized Swimmers Faint in Unison." I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Oh, and, in case you are wondering, for posterity's sake, let it be noted that today is the date of the hotly contested Pennsylvania Democratic Primary. Good work, CNN.

This is nothing new. CNN.com video has always been utter crap. What is new, however, is now you can buy t-shirts with the cnn.com video headlines on the t-shirts. Thanks. Great. Awesome. Amazing. I just know that Hearst is rolling in his grave screaming "T-SHIRTS! DAMNIT, I KNEW I SHOULD NOT HAVE DESTROYED THE HEMP INDUSTRY! I COULD HAVE BEEN MARGINALLY RICHER!" Amazingly, these shirts really capitalize on some internet memes, and some are humorous, but, for the most part, completely inappropriate. For example. Yes. It is true. ABC did fuck up that debate beyond all measure. But what is worse, fucking up the debate, or putting it on a motherfucking t-shirt? This is not news. This is second grade bullshit.

Finally, CNN just hired Tony Snow.

That's it.

Done.

CNN, you are dead to me.

Maybe if you start hiring people with degrees in something other than english or communications, say, perhaps, masters in economics, or law degrees, or degrees in mathematics, medical degrees, etc., you will become a news network again, and not mere infotainment. I don't give a crap if the person on screen is ugly as sin, I'd rather they know what they are talking about than be chosen for their looks and lack of regional accent.

God I hate you CNN.