Toward An Heuristic Cel-Phone Hermeneutic

"Oh look, the funny man is making jokes about his celphone! How original!"

Go eat turd, turd-eater. I have genuine insight. One in particular. Missed calls. First, let me just get it out of the way and say this: voicemail is irrelevant, and if you leave me voicemail and you are under 30, I hate you. Voicemail is for old people, coworkers, and attractive ladies whose behavior I give far more leeway to than the average citizen. If you think you have communicated information in your voicemail beyond the information that my missed call log provides, specifically, "that you have called," there is a 95% chance you are wrong. As a result, when I leave voicemails, I do it to spite other people that have left me voicemails.

"Hey........ man. I am.... taking.... loooooong.... pauses.... between..... my.... words." If you are still listening at that point, I point out what an idiot you are, at great length, in my best languorous contralto lilt.

Anyway, toward my real insight.

When I miss a call, my phone notifies me no less than three times. First notification of missing the call: the call itself. When the phone rings, and I curse the gods and contain my rage just barely enough to disable the goddamned dongle instead of hurling it at high velocity toward the nearest vertical plane, I do not need to be notified, 30 seconds later, that I have 'missed' a call. No, I haven't. I ignored it, you asshole. Then, after acknowledging the 'you have missed a call' notification, moments later, I get a 'you have voicemail' notification. Which also requires acknowledgment, or else it keeps vibrating until you check your voicemail, the batteries die, or you die.

There needs to be an "I am not an idiot" setting on your cel phone where you can turn off all these completely unnecessary notifications. You know, one that acknowledges that I may just have a high enough IQ to operate my cel phone.