I have a roommate who does not enjoy watching television. He complains about the television constantly. Yet he quite often is in control of the remote.
Let me explain to you how perverse this is. When someone who does not enjoy watching television has control of the remote, you wind up watching the most painful crap on TV, due to one of several reasons:
1. They do not understand how to use the remote as a proper tool of humor.
For instance, if there is a show that is on another channel you know that someone else in the room hates, judicious and well timed switching between stations can create a very funny effect. Or forcing people in the room to watch something truly godawful, but not too long. Or offering flippant comments on things as you flip through the channels. Truly, the possibilities are endless. However, there are some things that are just not funny. Like sticking on a channel that is simply annoying, not funny in the least. Like LMN. LMN should never be on my television, ever. Ever. Here is an example: there are two channels on my television that feature one thing: a still image saying "congratulations, you have a dish 500!" with no sound. It is funny, while flipping through, to make a comment. But the joke is viewing the image itself, not hovering on it and wasting time when you know there is quality televisual entertainment going on concurrently on other stations. This is lost on the person who does not like television, because, as far as he is concerned, that this channel exists is hilarious, and he is missing out on nothing by staying there. I am missing Kenny v. Spenny, motherfucker.
2. Dwelling on truly godawful things because of the impossible chance their may be nudity. Anyone who knows anything about television knows what few channels will ever have nudity, and what type of show / what time of day / the lead up camera angles &c will be before any nudity. Non television watchers do not. As a result, expect to watch a hell of a lot of freaking Telemundo in the hopes someone's top falls off. Ugh.
3. Not recognizing something, instantly, as terrible, when, clearly, it is. You know these ones. Horrible film quality, campy dialogue, immediately obvious formula plot. No more than 2.5 seconds should be spent recognizing these features. This equally applies to things that are well known and terrible as to things you are viewing for the first time.
4. Keep it moving. The point of having the television on is not simply to have it on. It is to find something entertaining. Non television watchers do not understand this, and will happily waste the entire time of everyone in the room by flipping channels at totally unacceptable intervals, between 90 seconds and 7 minutes, i.e., too long for something that is horrible, and too short for something that, though ideal, you may have an investment at due to your opportunity cost. There is a 3 point rating system for television shows: 0, 1, 2. Zero means change, immediately. I'd say 90% of television qualifies as a zero. Two means "I actively seek this out to watch it." One is, "If there are no Twos on, I would still enjoy watching this." For most of the day, it is all zeros. This is when the television is off. Mr. I Hate T.V. does not understand the rating system, second nature for those of us who have an interest in visual entertainment, intellectual or otherwise, and which he can never hope to learn.
5. News is okay, unless it is clearly mindless, i.e., based on bullshit, Foxnews, has higher ratio of pundits to experts on screen, is straight up sloganeering, or is related to celebrities. Non TV Watcher, strangely, usually, also does not care about news either. What does he do with his time? It remains a mystery.
6. Give. Me. The. Remote.
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