Monday, March 10, 2008

Improving on God's Design

We all know that the human body is a haphazardly patched together collection of millennia of mistakes and accidents. As a result, it is inefficient and weak. For this reason, I have invented several devices that will smooth out these inefficiencies and make our bodies better. Within 100 years, all of these devices will be standard issue to all those who can afford my exorbitant prices and servicing fees. Here are some of my favorites (patent pending!):

1.) The 'Shin Shock.' This devices is simply a small shock absorber placed in the middle of either the tibia or the fibula. It is designed to keep a constant volume when compressed, so as to maintain tension on the calf muscles. This device will reduce knee and hip damage and wear for everyone from runners, paratroopers, long jumpers, street fighters, aerobics instructors, and pogo stick enthusiasts, to recipients of joint replacements and plain old fat people.

2.) The lymph pump: The lymphatic system is a very important part of the immune system, and an important tool in removing toxins and metabolic waste from the body. However, the lyph itself is only moved by muscles around the ducts, with movement much like swallowing in the esophagus (known as peristalsis). This device is a miniaturized version of an artificial replacement heart. It will be placed in the lymphatic system to supercharge the movement of lymph fluids, thereby making our immune system effectively invincible.

3.) Speaking of peristalsis, I also plan to place a peristalsis device around the blood supply to the brain. This device will cover the Aorta and the left common carotid artery, as well as following the brachiocephalic artery up to the right common carotid. Though the 'swallowing' motion of peristalsis, this device will aid the upward flow of blood into the brain. Thus, the brain will receive more blood than can be supplied by the heart alone. This will improve our memory and reasoning skills, as well as giving us more energy, making us better lovers, and just about anything else I can make up a write down here.

4.) Infrared cameras in the eyes. So we can see infrared and tell if something is hot, or, is someone is hiding anywhere nearby.

5.) And of course, let us not forget the robotic exoskeleton. But that has been covered elsewhere:

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