I Had a Band Once

We were called 'Take the Money and Run'* and we rocked awesome. Our CDs can be found in the 'Alternative Funk Jazz PsychoMetal' section of your local record shop. You probably don't remember our biggest hit: a tender love ballad called "Julia (Step up Off My Bitch Motherfucker)." It peaked at number 478 on the Billboard Top 5,000.

We also made a video that aired on MTV like 3 times. You probably don't remember that either, but it is actually pretty well known in the business. You see, we had a sex scene in the video that pioneered that slow motion flying wire suspension technique later made famous in "The Matrix" and "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon." It was stylistic and damn sexy, let me tell you.

In the mid 90s as grunge fell out of favor, we were primed to sweep the nation and truly get huge. Unfortunately, it was about this time that my bandmates noticed that all the songs I had written where about killing people and taking their money. I thought it was the theme of the band, what with the name and all, and they say to write what is on your mind. But I guess the graphically violent and vindictive nature of my songs concerned them. So they held an intervention.

The intervention was pretty ugly, so i will spare you the details. Suffice to say, at the end there was no more "Take the Money and Run," and I was a couple hundred dollars richer. I thought it was an appropriate, if not ironic, way for that whole situation to be (shall we say) resolved.



I haven't seen those guys for years. I wonder what they are up to these days.


*Note: apologies to any band that actually has this name.

Why Will Nobody Give Me a Job?

Sure, I drink too much and I can't wake up on time and I can't spend more than 20 minutes at a time doing work that I don't find enthralling.

But I have motherfucking qualifications! And you should see my resume. It's so damn professional looking. I have text boxes and my name is in bold fonts and shit. Great stuff. And let's not forget my people skills. People love me; I get along awesome with fucking everyone. I'm so damn personable, how could I not rock the shit out of an interview!? I speak so damn well, and get my fucking points across without bullshitting. People respect that shit.

But somehow no one seems to want to give me a fucking job. I don't get it. Assholes.

Proper Homage to Isto

I have a friend. A friend that I know from school and see far too rarely.

See, he is actually a comic genius. I post on this blog and it is fun and hopefully amuses you from time to time. But I defer to Isto on all issues humorous, for he is truly a genius. I provide for you: a starting point.

I suggest (in this order): The Banana Song, America Masturbates, Gateway Drugs, What the Fuck, Selling the Goat at Market.

Just as a start. Search Isto on Youtube and your mind will be blown.

Yes, Folks, this Blog Is an Accurate Representation of How We Live Our Lives

A recent Gchat conversation:

RG: blast

this hot blonde clearly does not liker her boyfriend

should i just be like 'hey, fuck me.'

Theo: hmm

maybe a little less blunt

RG: "hey, fuck love to me."

Theo: i think you need like 2-3 sentences of explanation first

sentence 1: "You are HOT"

sentence 2: "your bf sucks"

uhh

ya

RG: and THEN

RG: "fuck love to me."

Theo: yup
that should do it

What the Hell Is Dog Food Actually Made of?

I know that there is some kind of meat of meat or meat byproduct that they use as a precursor. But really, look at it. It no longer bears any relation to meat whatsoever. It is brown, I guess, but probably only because they dyed it to mask the horrific vomit color it would have been. Otherwise: it is hard and crunchy. Meat is not. It does not smell anything like meat. It smells like dog food, and nothing else. I can only imagine what it tastes like, but the fact that dogs are happy to eat it means nothing. Consider that a dog's mode of interaction with the world almost unfailingly follows this sequence:

1.) encounter object
2.) smell object
3.) attempt to eat object

Most importantly, dog food never goes bad. How is this possible? How have they extracted the parts of meat that are nourishing to dogs, but not nourishing to the myriad of bacteria and fungi in the air constantly looking for something to eat? How!? It defies all of the known laws of biology.

I dunno. I guess I should just be happy that I don't have to eat it.

Using Single Symbols to Convey Complex Ideas

I must say that I never really got the whole emoticon thing. Sure, you lose all nonverbal communication when writing, but, really people have been communicating with writing for millennia without needing that shit. Do you think George Washington drew smily faces on his letters home during the war? No. No he did not.

More importantly, there is a rich history of much more intelligent ways of using single symbols to portraying complex ideas. For instance, there are mathematical and scientific constants. More relevant, though, are the powerful symbols present across the entire top of your keyboard. here, I will run though them in rough order:

~ This means about, or roughly. Very useful when you don't have or care to communicate exact quantities. Especially instead of saying something stupid like 'over.'

@ or 'at.' Of course, this is only good for abstract internet type locations. Never, and I mean never, use it to indicate any kind of physical or spatiotemporal location.

$ "The following figure refers to a quantity of money."

# "The following number is, in fact, a number."

^ "look up!"

& 'and' I cannot understand why one would need to throw any other abbreviations in here, like 'n' or '+.' We have a perfectly good and cool looking symbol already. Use it.

( ) "The thing I said in between these is only tangentially related to what I am actually trying to say, but I have chosen to obscure the main point of my writing by unnecessarily complicating it with trivial details." I know it's actually two symbols. Deal with it.

and finally
* Which means "whatever I just said is not really true, but I have chosen to relegate its untruth to a small comment at the bottom in hopes that you won't look at it."

Ass Ventriloquism

The question is, does this mean "the ability to talk out one's ass"? And if so, is it meant in a real or facetious manner? If it is meant facetiously, believe you me, I know many ass ventriloquists.

On the other hand, maybe it means "the ability to throw one's farts." That, my friends, would be quite a feat.

The Faulty Predication Of All Romantic Comedies

I was recently at a movie, and there were several previews for romantic comedies. They all featured gorgeous women pining over one particular scruffy manboy who's entire life was predicated on sleeping around as much as possible. Let's take this apart.

First, these women are way too hot to be single at 30 unless it is voluntary. Yes, yes, argue whatever you want, it is bullshit. Women drop dead gorgeous enough to headline major hollywood pictures can get boyfriends. Oh, but what if she is picky, you say? First, fuck you. Second, once again, really? Fuck you. Okay, so she wants the perfect guy and she is waiting? Listen babe, superman ain't real, and everyone's gottle settle. Capice? There is, of course the possibility that she is crazy, and that this is why she is single. If so, well, then, fuck her.

Second issue.

Male star of movie / woman's love interest: I've been thinking man... maybe there is more to life than having sex with a different gorgeous woman every single night.

*Silence falls over the cafe. A record skips. A waiter drops his tray.*

Friend one: *Spits out coffee all over the neighboring table* WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? IF YOU SLEEP WITH THE SAME WOMEN TWICE YOU INSTANTLY GET ASS HERPES.

Basically, the problem is, there is no guy like that. These entire movies are predicated on the idea that it is really easy to find hordes of women willing to jump into bed with you. That it is really easy to sleep around. Guess what? It isn't. It is really, really difficult. And there are several movies all coming out at the same time predicated on this concept! Seriously, I really don't understand it. It is NEVER the choice between an unending carousel of meaningless sex with super models and settling down with one particular super model who is desperately in love with you and has all sorts of charming personality quirks and a 19 year old younger brother who thinks you are really cool (and has a good weed connect). It's usually the choice between your own fucked up sense of self esteem, derived from perceived but artificial idea of 'not being bound' to anyone, maybe having sex with one or two new people a month, and that is if you are really putting in serious game time, and some girl who is potentially dedicated to you, very human, probably farts, for some reason just LOVES Hillary Clinton, thinks your video game hobby is immature, and will never agree with you on the finer points of science fiction.

Where is that movie?

Mentioning 'Science' Should Not be the Basis of Idiotic Claims

I saw some actress on T.V. talking about that idiotic Bruckheimer movie 'Deja Vu' and she had this to say: "It's like, if you have ever studied quantum physics and you realize, we can go forward through time, it's like, well why can't we go back in time?"

First off, there is a snowball's chance in hell that woman can spell quantum physics, much less studied it. As evidenced by the fact that she thinks that anyone who has studied quantum physics knows what a lunatic bullshit concept the idea behind deja vu is. Basically, they have a machine that lets you see into the past, and, also, a portable headgear version, which Denzel Washington wears on his head while driving around, chasing someone in the past. From the future. What? Really?

Saying that studying quantum mechanics makes you wonder about time travel is like saying that studying metallurgy makes you wonder about walking through walls. Basically, if we are going to do it that way, any predicate justifies any conclusion.

"It's like that time I opened a book and then suddenly had the ability to move things with my mind."

Most People Who Play "Knocking on Heaven's Door"

are never going to see Heaven's door. Let alone touch it.

Over Three Posts Posted.

I was playing Guitar Hero the other day, and I noticed that the back of the case advertises "Over 55 Rockin' Tracks." I hate that little trick of words. It's not only Guitar Hero; plenty of other ads and even news reports do this "Over 20 wounded . . ." What is the point? Do they think we can't handle a number like 56 or 57?

"57!? What the hell is 57, and what relation could it possibly have to 55?"

There is no reason to do this. It makes your sentence longer than it needs to be (by adding the word 'over'), it makes it conceptually more complex (by adding the concept 'over'). The only explanation I can think of is that it is supposed to make it seem like a bigger number.

"Over 55? Holy shit, there could be 500 songs in this game!"

But that is stupid too. Anyone who is not an idiot knows that 'over 55' means between 55 and 60. If it were over 60, they would have written that. And the fact that they need to use this stupid little trick probably means that it is actually 56. And think about it: they are trying to make a number seem bigger by replacing it with a smaller number! How is that supposed to work?

All you are doing is making your statistics less accurate and stupider.

The only acceptable use of 'over' is when dealing with numbers over a million (or I guess ten thousand depending on your target audience). Still, 3 significant digits should be required. And please, none of that 'thousand million' bullshit.

But I digress. Please never do this with numbers.

Meatloaf

Of all of the pop/rock stars with one name, Meatloaf is by far the most inexplicable. Think about the names chosen by his competition (note; I will not count rappers. Or members of U2. those are whole other issues):

Sting: Kinda badass. Really, if anything more badass than Sting himself.
Slash: Badass. And Slash needs a badass name.
Madonna: Mother of God. Easy.
Prince: again, royalty.

And then there's: Meatloaf. What is he trying to get across with that name? Sure, he was a big guy. He probably is all about the meatloaf. But really. T-Bone Walker named himself after his favorite cut of meat and still sounds cool. The only other music personality with a meat name is Lamb Chop, a children's hand puppet that sings "The Song the Never Ends." The worst part is that he/she/it has a better meat name than Meatloaf.

To illustrate, I have come up with a list of other cuts or preparations of meat that I think make pretty decent names for a rocker. (If I see any of these on the Billboard top 20, you will hear from my lawyer. but considering that RealityGrip is my lawyer, you should be fine).

Buffalo Tender
Foi Gras
Beef Bullion
Beef Stew
Colorado Lamb
Rock Lobster
Turducken
Fillet of Sole
Black Angus (note: should be a white guy)
Haggis
Coq au Vin
General Tso

See? A little style. It's not that hard to come up with a good meat themed rock star name.

Haiku Time!

bones keep you alive
hold up your chest cavity
think I'll take them

bones provide support
they are where your blood is made
or at least, they were

grinding bones to make
bread is hard to chew and does
not provide any fiber

Yes, I know he was unarmed,

But it was self defense.

I swear, he shot first!